AmberiLaugh

For as long as I can remember, I don’t think I have ever gotten unconditional love. I don’t know what it feels like for someone to listen to me. I was always the child in the backseat talking and no one would hear me. They would block me out or tell me “we’ll talk about it later” but in reality that ment I don’t care to talk to you about anything. My siblings got treated about the same as I did, but not as much? Sometimes I feel bad for thinking like “why did their mother or father die? They gave them so much love and attention, why not take away my mom or dad? I had to fight on my own my own demons forever.” I’ve always been alone. I was and still is a punching bag to these people. I can’t tell you how many times I layed here in a pool of tears wondering if they would care if I wasn’t here oh but of course they will…they will tell their friends and my siblings will tell eachother “oh if she would have told me how she felt I could have helped her” but in reality if I was to call my brother he would tell me to grow up and if I called my sister she would tell me to calm down. If I went outside my room and told my mom she would blow me off and tell me she doesnt feel like fighting and my dad would think I’m crazy. No one really cares to be there for you till your gone. Which I don’t understand, if this was my niece or best friend or nephews I would be there in a second and if all they wanted was for someone to let them cry on all night then I wouldn’t mind. And sometimes I get so scared to have a boyfriend because what if I don’t love them? I don’t know what love is. How will i know I feel it? I don’t want to be like my mother who thought she loved someone but really she needed help with a kid she couldn’t afford to take care of and didn’t think about her actions. I know I was an accident, she doesnt need a big billboard with those words written on it for me to quite grasp that fact. I know the inside of my room more than I do about my mom. Now that I’m older I noticed my dad can’t stand to look at me or hear my voice. He really used to love me, I swear. Everyone expects me to grow up and go out. But I don’t want to, because I feel safe in my room. I probably sound crazy to whoever is reading this and im sorry if I sound like an attention whore or be put in a mental instatution but I needed to vent and I cant find a pen. Really I am a very sensitive person. I do care when someone leaves me in the dark. It hurts me more then anything I know cause that has all I’ve ever known. I’m broken, always have been, and always will be.